Geoffrey Line

Writing. Editing. Storytelling.

<

>

Points in Case • 9th November 2024

How to Impress People as a Dad

Start with the basics. Just remembering what’s on your child’s birth certificate will get you a compliment in the park. Next time an elderly lady on a bench asks, “Who’s this bundle of joy?” simply respond: “[Your Baby’s Name Here]!” and watch that granny grin!

Points in Case • 7th October 2024

Google Maps Directions for a Parent with a Screaming Baby in the Backseat

In 500 feet, sing “If You’re Happy and You Know It” over your child’s piercing cries. In 2 miles, realize you were too tired to notice the irony of your song choice over your child’s piercing cries.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency • 28th June 2024

Gandalf Must Step Aside and Let a Younger Hero Save Us from Sauron Lest We Lose this Middle-earth

"We are grateful, Gandalf, for all that you have done for Middle-earth over the ages... We simply must find a younger savior if we are to keep Sauron at bay."

Points in Case • 1st September 2022

I Am the Little Orange Man from Google Maps and I Would Appreciate It If You Stopped Dropping Me from 2 Million Feet in the Sky

If you’re wondering, in the moment you wait for me to land in Street View, I howl through the mesosphere, engulfed in flame.

Weekly Humorist • 1st January 2021

Welcome to the Zuckerberg Mansion Audio Tour

To your right - Mr. Zuckerberg's Rage Room, containing the busts of ancient Greek philosophers, which, much like democracy, he destroyed.

Points in Case • 6th May 2020

Anthony Lane Reviews Life During COVID

The Current Cinema: The Zoom Call, Furloughed Guy, Papa John's No Contact Delivery & Blame Bill Gates

Points in Case • 1st December 2019

Quotes from Arthur Miller’s “Death of an Influencer”

"Pop, I have no platform! I have no platform, Pop! Can't you understand?"

Little Old Lady Comedy • 17th September 2019

Mom And Dad Give The Sex Talk At The Outback Steakhouse

Now, when a Sheila and a Bloke love each other…

Slackjaw • 15th September 2019

Everything I’m About To Tell You About My Craigslist Roommate Is True

He has a snake. He keeps a dead mouse in the freezer, for his snake. The snake has not eaten in three months. I have a cat.

Little Old Lady Comedy • 18th June 2019

My Grandma’s New Hexagon Quilt Just Dropped And The Embroidery Is Lit AF

After eighty-nine years, five kids, two C-sections, one kidney transplant, nine grandchildren, three great-granddaughters, and two titanium hips, Queen G has graced us with her boldest creation yet—just when the internet wasn’t looking.

Slackjaw • 4th June 2019

Make Epcot Great Again

My fellow Floridians...I'm here today as your Commander in Chief, wearing one of these wonderful MAGA Mouse Ear Hats, because it's time to put an end to the globalist World Showcase conspiracy.

Slackjaw • 27th May 2019

D.A.R.E. Teaches Hobbits to Say ‘No’ to Smoking Leaf

You’ve heard your friends talk about him before. He goes by many names: Mithrandir, Incánus, Tharkûn, the quote unquote “Grey Pilgrim,” the so-called “White Wizard.”

Slackjaw • 18th May 2019

Why We Decided to Have Hillary Go Mad First Lady and Burn the White House to the Ground in the Final Season of America

David Benioff: You know for a lot of fans, this comes as a really shocking moment in the West....uncharacteristic for our heroine.

Points in Case • 24th April 2019

How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Making subterranean transfer of 75,000 galleons ($500,000) to Dumbledore’s secure Gringotts vault...

The Barcelona Review of Contemporary Fiction • 14th April 2019

The (Model UN) Security Council

A satire and tribute to DFW, on one of the web's first literary magazines, where he and Saunders, Bolano, Ben Marcus, Simon Rich and others published their fiction.

Points in Case • 25th January 2019

As Your Unpaid TSA Worker, I Will Be Confiscating a Lot More Than Your Liquids

I’ll be honest, we’re not going to give you back your shoes.

The Offing • 11th December 2017

Jesus and His Stepdad, Joe

My stepson, Jesus Christ, doesn’t like me. He knows I’m not his father. He tells me all the time. The other day, when I asked him to sweep the sawdust from the carpentry shop, he threw the broom to the floor and shouted, “You’re not my real dad. I’m the Son of God!”

Previous Humor

Select humor stories written during tenure as Features and Humor Editor of the University of Victoria's weekly newspaper, the Martlet, for which I was given a John H. McDonald Award for Journalistic Excellence by the Canadian University Press.

Martlet • 23rd March 2013

A Letter from Airport Security

We have your shampoo. We have your toenail clippers. We have your ski poles, your water guns, your Bic lighters, your aerosols and your meat cleavers. (Really, what were you thinking with the meat cleavers?)

The Martlet • 7th March 2013

Sea Lions Speak Up

The sea lions of Race Rocks Ecological Reserve are not happy.

The Martlet • 24th January 2013

Kanye West Talks Baby Mama and New Album

M: Maybe we could talk about your upcoming album. K: The Greatest Record of All Time? Look, I’ve literally poured my being into it. I don’t have a title just yet, but I know its place in music history. I find it offensive unless the album’s referred to as the Greatest Record of All Time. M: But it’s not even out yet. K: Time is relative, man.

The Martlet • 14th January 2013

Sean Bean Suffers Amnesia

Actor known for portraying characters who die believes himself reincarnated.

The Martlet • 29th November 2012

Bequeathing the last Twinkie on Earth

A final will and testament written in the year 2050.

The Martlet • 1st November 2012

364 Days Until Halloween

Cry away your monster makeup. Wallow through your sugar hangover. It’s time to take a black or orange marker to your calendar — let it squeak in sadness — and note the next best day of your life: one whole year from now.

The Martlet • 18th October 2012

Songs to Scrub to

Envision your shower as your own little sound studio. Position a rubber ducky in your shampoo nook; entertain your audience. You’ll have difficulty starting up. Any artist does. Here are some suggestions of what to start out with — some tracks made to be covered in your bathroom.

The Martlet • 13th September 2012

Michael Phelps Behind Maple Syrup Heist

On Aug. 31, a reported $30 million of sirop d’érable was stolen from a warehouse in St-Louis-de-Blandford, Quebec. The mastermind of such a crime? The thief of enough maple syrup to fill two Olympic-length swimming pools? Michael Phelps.

The Martlet • 6th September 2012

Best Ways to Kill an Orca

Yes, they’re beautiful, and their colours are as bold and distinct as an Oreo’s—dunked in the Pacific rather than milk — but do not be fooled: orcas are killer whales. Murderous whales. Homicidal whales.

The Martlet • 10th May 2012

The new Hollywood superhero: The Bystander

Since the release of The Avengers — a superhero flick that unites multiple Marvel characters and marks the culmination of decades of marketing — Hollywood executives have been scratching their pates. They wonder: which hero is next?